Hiding From Love

I want to find love so bad that I think I’m hiding from it. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but I will explain. In my short life span of almost 19 years I have had a small taste of love only once.

I started to fall for a boy a little over a year ago that I knew going into the crush I could never have him. When I first met him almost two years ago I was instantly attracted to him. He had a smile to die for (the smiles always get me). But he went after a friend of mine so I gave up any hope of having him and became his friend. He was the first guy my age that I completely felt comfortable with as a friend. I could tell him anything, including talking about my period and he wouldn’t be fazed, he’d just listen whenever I had anything to say. He was the biggest flirt, but I knew he liked my friend too much to be really into other girls. He would do this thing that I loved (even when we were just friends), he would rub my tummy as if it were the most pleasurable thing he would do all day. It wasn’t meant as an intimate thing and I didn’t take it as such, I took it as a complement. At the time I was in good shape from cheerleading, but I didn’t realize it and I thought it complement that he would even want to touch my “fat”. We continued to be good friends for months until my friend (his girlfriend) moved three hours away. Once she moved it was as if a blind fold was lifted from our eyes because we were instantly attracted to each other again. (I say again because he told me later that he was attracted me when he first saw me also, but because he saw more of my friend he went after her instead). We started to flirt a lot more then normal. It got to the point where friends would ask us what was going on between us. The tricky part was that my friend still believed that they were together, but this boy liked to think they weren’t. I took his side and we started respond to the burning desire between the two of us. They did break up for about a week officially, but not because she found out about us. There was one day that I remember the most out of any day spending with him and that was the day we were a like a couple. We went to the mall and every where we went we held hands and we would stop to kiss every once in while. I remember telling him before anything happened between us that I thought it was disgusting how he showed his public display of affection toward my friend while they were dating and he told me in response that I would understand someday and I would do the same thing when I found someone. He was right, for that one day I was not Michelle, I was that girl that understood and had found that somebody. Later a girl I worked with said she saw me with him and asked if he was my boyfriend. I had wanted to say yes so badly, but I knew in my heart I couldn’t. He had come back to me the next day and told me he had patched things up with his girlfriend (I couldn’t call her my friend at that time anymore because I hadn’t acted like a friend to her since she had moved). He was still in love with her. I was heart broken, but I had known what I was going into. His feelings for me were real, that I know, but his feelings for his girlfriend were greater. It took me one day to completely fall in love with him and months to fall out of love with him.

Since then I haven’t had any type of relationship with a guy to boast about and it’s mainly my fault. I look at couples that are in love and I think vainly as I watch girls that if she can get a guy then surly I can. It’s a mean thing to think, but it’s what wonders through my head. It’s then that I realize that I could be in a relationship if I choose to, but I think subconsciously I’m always thinking about how much I hurt when I think of what I lost with my first love. I went and saw this movie in the theaters in February called the Wedding Date. It’s a complete chick flick and there was this one line that really got to me. The main guy in the movie says something along the lines of every woman has the romance they want. I was mad when I first heard that, but then I started to think that maybe that was right. I want to love and be loved so bad, but I don’t want the hurt that inevitably comes with it. I’m not in a relationship because I hate feeling vulnerable. I never again want to feel the way I felt for those months after that perfect day. So in reality I desire something that I can’t deal with. I know I’m young and I have plenty of time to find somebody, but I never the less still feel lonely and that’s a feeling no one can escape no matter how young someone is. I’m also starting to resent the line, “The right person will come along when you’re least expecting it.” I’ve heard friends and family say that so much that I swear I’ll throw up the next time I hear it. The only thing I need to overcome is not the fact in finding somebody, but how I’ll respond to my feelings once I do.